Thursday, September 16, 2010

10 Famous Women What I Would Do!

After a conversation with CuntyChopalops I have decided to compose my Top 10 list of celeb women I fancy... This isn't a run down from 10 to 1 as I can't decide what order they are in, so I have a Top 4 and The Rest. Cunty's selection of Men & Women can be found here.

"The Rest"

Ashley Greene - The only good thing to come out of Twilight.

Kristen Bell - She is tiny, but there is something about her.

Jessica Biel - So many prettier shots than this, but this scene in Chuck and Larry is brilliant.

Pixie Lott - Many people don't like her, and reckon she is "filthy looking"... But I think the smile is amazing. I also heard a story involving her and herpes.

Kate Beckinsale - Slightly older than me but stunning.

Elizabeth Banks - Great smile again. Not sure why, but I really like this one.

Top 4 - In No Particular Order

Eva Mendes - HOT in everything she does, and also really funny in The Other Guys. Particularly filthy in We Own The Night.

Cheryl Cole - Everyone loves this woman. If it wasn't for the shit tatt on her leg she might be number 1.

Rachel McAdams - Again, I don't really know why I fancy this woman but I want to be able to touch her face.

Rachel Bilson - This girl is just amazing! Please, can I please have her for Christmas?

And that is my list. Let's be honest, the only reason I'm not with any of these women is just that I haven't met any of them yet.

Honourable mentions must go to Sophia Bush (husky voice), Holly Willoughby (boobs), and of course YOUR MUM!


Monday, September 13, 2010

The Expendables - Review

When I first started this blog I had no intention of ever doing a film review, unless I was completely taking the piss. The plan was to leave the reviews to people like Gray and AT as they actually know what they are talking about. But yesterday I watched The Expendables and felt I needed to write a few words down.

So, to set the scene, I watched this very hungover. I had been so smashed the night before I fell asleep while sitting upright on a piano stool in a pub. My regular film buddy (life partner) Lee joined me and provided the Chili Heatwave Doritos for us to share.

The film was a disaster. It took all of the best action stars of my childhood, minus Jean-Claude Van Damme, chucked in a couple of great WWE/MMA stars, and gave them a ridiculous script. There were times during the film when we looked at each other, laughed, and said "I can't believe they actuall said/did that". I cringed when Jason Statham and Sly punched the air at the same time with a massive "YEAH!" after destroying a pier. I marvelled at the worlds quickest ever tattoo. And I laughed out loud at Sly hanging on to the open door of the plane.

The only thing worse than the script was the acting. When Jason Statham and Stone Cold Steve Austin give the best performances in a film you know there is something wrong. Sly can hardly move his face anymore, and the technology used on that Arnie robot that makes a brief appearance was impressive.

The were, however, a lot of very good fight scenes, pathetically good one liners, and massive explosions. Stone Cold's massive rugby tackle on Sly made me wince in a good way, and Dolph Lundgren was enough of a cunt for me to love him. Someone should let Sly know though, that his running days are over. Whenever he had to sprint he looked like he was continuously on the brink of falling over. It made me laugh every time.

So we have a shit script, shit acting and a lead actor who can't move his face or run.

I absolutely loved it. I had so much fun watching this film and was perfect viewing with my hangover.

9 stars out of 10.

This film would have had 10/10 if Charisma Carpenter had got her tits out. Not tits or sex at all. Shocking.