The Expendables - Review

When I first started this blog I had no intention of ever doing a film review, unless I was completely taking the piss. The plan was to leave the reviews to people like Gray and AT as they actually know what they are talking about. But yesterday I watched The Expendables and felt I needed to write a few words down.

So, to set the scene, I watched this very hungover. I had been so smashed the night before I fell asleep while sitting upright on a piano stool in a pub. My regular film buddy (life partner) Lee joined me and provided the Chili Heatwave Doritos for us to share.

The film was a disaster. It took all of the best action stars of my childhood, minus Jean-Claude Van Damme, chucked in a couple of great WWE/MMA stars, and gave them a ridiculous script. There were times during the film when we looked at each other, laughed, and said "I can't believe they actuall said/did that". I cringed when Jason Statham and Sly punched the air at the same time with a massive "YEAH!" after destroying a pier. I marvelled at the worlds quickest ever tattoo. And I laughed out loud at Sly hanging on to the open door of the plane.

The only thing worse than the script was the acting. When Jason Statham and Stone Cold Steve Austin give the best performances in a film you know there is something wrong. Sly can hardly move his face anymore, and the technology used on that Arnie robot that makes a brief appearance was impressive.

The were, however, a lot of very good fight scenes, pathetically good one liners, and massive explosions. Stone Cold's massive rugby tackle on Sly made me wince in a good way, and Dolph Lundgren was enough of a cunt for me to love him. Someone should let Sly know though, that his running days are over. Whenever he had to sprint he looked like he was continuously on the brink of falling over. It made me laugh every time.

So we have a shit script, shit acting and a lead actor who can't move his face or run.

I absolutely loved it. I had so much fun watching this film and was perfect viewing with my hangover.

9 stars out of 10.

This film would have had 10/10 if Charisma Carpenter had got her tits out. Not tits or sex at all. Shocking.