10 Famous Women What I Would Do!

After a conversation with CuntyChopalops I have decided to compose my Top 10 list of celeb women I fancy... This isn't a run down from 10 to 1 as I can't decide what order they are in, so I have a Top 4 and The Rest. Cunty's selection of Men & Women can be found here.

"The Rest"

Ashley Greene - The only good thing to come out of Twilight.

Kristen Bell - She is tiny, but there is something about her.

Jessica Biel - So many prettier shots than this, but this scene in Chuck and Larry is brilliant.

Pixie Lott - Many people don't like her, and reckon she is "filthy looking"... But I think the smile is amazing. I also heard a story involving her and herpes.

Kate Beckinsale - Slightly older than me but stunning.

Elizabeth Banks - Great smile again. Not sure why, but I really like this one.

Top 4 - In No Particular Order

Eva Mendes - HOT in everything she does, and also really funny in The Other Guys. Particularly filthy in We Own The Night.

Cheryl Cole - Everyone loves this woman. If it wasn't for the shit tatt on her leg she might be number 1.

Rachel McAdams - Again, I don't really know why I fancy this woman but I want to be able to touch her face.

Rachel Bilson - This girl is just amazing! Please, can I please have her for Christmas?

And that is my list. Let's be honest, the only reason I'm not with any of these women is just that I haven't met any of them yet.

Honourable mentions must go to Sophia Bush (husky voice), Holly Willoughby (boobs), and of course YOUR MUM!

Fnar.

The Expendables - Review

When I first started this blog I had no intention of ever doing a film review, unless I was completely taking the piss. The plan was to leave the reviews to people like Gray and AT as they actually know what they are talking about. But yesterday I watched The Expendables and felt I needed to write a few words down.

So, to set the scene, I watched this very hungover. I had been so smashed the night before I fell asleep while sitting upright on a piano stool in a pub. My regular film buddy (life partner) Lee joined me and provided the Chili Heatwave Doritos for us to share.

The film was a disaster. It took all of the best action stars of my childhood, minus Jean-Claude Van Damme, chucked in a couple of great WWE/MMA stars, and gave them a ridiculous script. There were times during the film when we looked at each other, laughed, and said "I can't believe they actuall said/did that". I cringed when Jason Statham and Sly punched the air at the same time with a massive "YEAH!" after destroying a pier. I marvelled at the worlds quickest ever tattoo. And I laughed out loud at Sly hanging on to the open door of the plane.

The only thing worse than the script was the acting. When Jason Statham and Stone Cold Steve Austin give the best performances in a film you know there is something wrong. Sly can hardly move his face anymore, and the technology used on that Arnie robot that makes a brief appearance was impressive.

The were, however, a lot of very good fight scenes, pathetically good one liners, and massive explosions. Stone Cold's massive rugby tackle on Sly made me wince in a good way, and Dolph Lundgren was enough of a cunt for me to love him. Someone should let Sly know though, that his running days are over. Whenever he had to sprint he looked like he was continuously on the brink of falling over. It made me laugh every time.

So we have a shit script, shit acting and a lead actor who can't move his face or run.

I absolutely loved it. I had so much fun watching this film and was perfect viewing with my hangover.

9 stars out of 10.

This film would have had 10/10 if Charisma Carpenter had got her tits out. Not tits or sex at all. Shocking.

Moon - Blu Ray Review

Last night I watched Moon on BluRay with my mate Lee.


What an enjoyable experience... Lee brought over a bag of Fruit Gums, and a bag of Fruit Pastilles... There is a fruit theme developing here, and this isn't helped by the fact I made us each a glass of orange squash.

We settled into my leather corner sofa in a relaxed and friendly manner... Not too far away from each other to suggest any sort of repressed sexual tension, and not too close that would make homophobic onlookers uncomfortable. The perfect distance where we could discuss the events of the film, and I could still reach over and tickle behind his ear if I wanted.

Did I want to? Well that is a blog for another time.... (no it isn't... I am being silly again).

We only had to pause the film once as Lee needed to pop for a wee wee. This took longer than I was hoping because Lee has a sore ankle and had to limp to the toilet. It probably added around 50 seconds to the overall weeing time.

So, now the scene is set, on to the film....

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??

This film was stunning in terms of the visual effects and the set pieces, and Sam Rockwell's performance was first class (not in a stamp sense). I really enjoyed his *SPOILER ALERT* performance with himself... The join in the 2 separate performances were hardly visible and I could settle in and enjoy it.

But the plot itself? Weird as fuck! We predicted everything that was going to happen about 10 minutes before it happened (yes, we are those people), and the ending left a kind of "and then.....?" taste in the mouth.

But overall I enjoyed it... It was just a bit weird. If I was to rate if on a scale of Sparrow to Silver Back Gorilla it would be around the "Large Pony" mark...

Things That Scare Me

Bonjour… That is French for waddup?

There are many things in life that scare me, and today I will list a few, but go into too much detail about one in particular, and no doubt look like a fool.

First on the list of my scares, are heights. I am a proper pussy when it comes to heights… I avoid most roller-coasters, cliff edges, sky tower viewing platforms, and ladders. The strange thing is, I loved it on top of the Empire State Building. This is probably because of the chest high wall with railings on top, making it impossible to accidentally slip over the edge. I stood there for ages looking at the incredible sights. I’m also OK with flying, and ski lifts… but ask me to climb a ladder into my parents loft and I will say “no way, Jose” (even if your name isn’t Jose… I’m nuts like that).

I will now drop a truth bomb on myself, and admit to being scared of ending up alone. I have had a few serious relationships, one even lasted nearly 4 years, but I am yet again single at 26, and once again it isn’t by my choosing. I know this seems young to most people, and everyone says “you’ve got plenty of time yet”, but I judge myself by my family. My brother was with the same person from about 21, and got married at 28. My parents were married in their early twenties, and I’m still single. I look at my brother now, just turned 30 with a loving wife, nice house, and 2 beautiful boys, and I don’t want that RIGHT now, but it reminds me just how far away from having it I am. This thought does keep me awake at night sometimes.

But all joking aside, the thing that scares me most is this:



Dancing children… in particular, Hip Hip dancing children. It just freaks me out. Kids should not be able to do stuff like that. I can’t do stuff like that and I’ve got some killer moves and Olympic standard flexibility. That girl who was in that Missy Elliott video freaked me out for years. I can just imagine getting accosted in my local Morrisons by a group of “youths” and them challenging me to a dance off. I will throw out my best Sprinkler and transition smoothly into the Robot and what? Will they be impressed? Will I intimidate them? No! They will be walking around on one hand, scratching their heads with their own feet, and just doing general flips and shit. I will be humiliated, and will have to hand over my mobile phone.

I have to stop writing now… I’m starting to hyperventilate.

fUGGly

I have this unnatural hatred for one specific style of footwear... Uggs.

Seriously now, it baffles me why girls think they look good, and why nearly every woman on the planet owns a pair. The only women that don't own a pair are those unfortunate enough to be amputees... But then they get to go halves on a pair with their amputee friend they met at the Amputee Club (yes, this post has been extensively researched).

In my lifetime, I have seen probably 4 people that looked good in a pair of Uggs. They were all wearing skin tight leggings and had incredible arses and I never actually looked at their feet. This may have contributed to me not hating the fact they were wearing Uggs.

At best, when worn with baggy jeans, the shapeless toe poking out from under the hem of the trousers looks like the wearer has strapped a Cornish pasty to each foot. At worse, when paired with leggings or skinny jeans, their legs look like a golf club... a 5 wood if we are being precise, and why wouldn't we be?

These crazy women seem to think that Uggs are accetable summer wear, despite being made of lambs wool. You see them walking around wearing nice attractive summer clothes with these filthy, smelly articles of puke-inducing fashion horrors on their feet... and yes, I am capable of commenting on fashion, I've been in an A&F shop once.

Then there is the price. Women will spend over £100 for a pair of chav slippers that make them look like a twat. The mind boggles.

But worse than all of this... The final straw that broke this camels back (and I mean patience), is when you see a nobber like this.

No, men. Just no!

The Difficult Second Blog

A couple of weeks ago I thought to myself "Dave, you don't have a blog... Maybe you should have a blog", so I started a blog. For some reason I opened up Tumblr and got posting.

I was happy with how easy it was to get looking professional within minutes of signing up, but then, after a few posts, I wanted to start customising it. This seemed to be quite difficult and/or limited. I had a look around at some other blogs I enjoy reading, namely Diary of a Ledger and EatMyHalo, and realised that Blogspot might be the place to be.

So I opened this place. But now I have the dilemma of having a few "followers" over on Tumblr, and a few decent posts too. Do I just stick it out over there, or do I move some of the better posts to this site?

I am all confused.

I am also hungry, and that never helps.

Inception - The Big Review

The other night I went to watch Inception with a few friends... I had a mixed grill at Wetherspoons before which was very filling.

Anyway, I know you are all waiting for the big review... so here it is.





I enjoyed it. Well done them.